Into the Light

In the oceans dark the Mantas glide up the rays from our lights.

Beams filled with tiny plankton, shrimp and crab hatchlings. The 

seawater is filled with white sparks of life and the Mantas glide 

through, sifting the water like giant devils. I feel a shiver as my

imagination recoils from itself. What if when we die, our sparks 

float in space. They will have no mass to hold the Earth. The Earth

will travel as it does and we will watch it go. We will see all the 

tiny loosened sparks from farm harvests and blooded stock yards,

from Emergency Rooms and Third World famine. They unspool

from the Earth in long sparkling ribbons, beautiful really. And far 

into the darkness we see the white ribs and wide open door of

the Mantas, as we go into the light.

Crows

It was the excited sounds that drew me to the window.
I've heard crows talk my whole life. Watched them on
street signs just overhead, ranting like drunken Republicans.
But this sound was something new. Neither
rant nor warning, this sounded like excited children on the
playground surrounding a blood sport. Through the window and
up the street the crows were in a small thin tree flapping their
wings and waving the weak branches. Below them on the ground
was a small black cat and a red dog playing. The dog jumped up
and down and the cat crouched low confused by the crows and
the barking dog. But the dog wasn't barking and the cat wasn't
playing. The dog leaped forward and nipped at the cat's hindquarters.
The crows increased their excited noisy motion. It was like they
were saying, "Look at us! Look at US!" The cat tried to turn but
stumbled and flipped on it's back, claws out and hissing. The dog
leaped forward and caught the cat by the throat. It's not a dog!
It's going to kill!   It lifts the cat and shakes it violently as the cat
tries to get some purchase with it's claws. The crows are screaming,
"Kill Cat! Kill Cat! We want our share!"  I run barefoot down the stairs and
out the front door. The fox is carrying the cat across the street by
the back of it's neck. It hangs like a kitten in its mother's mouth. The
crows flap and follow to the feasting grounds. I run down the street
and see the fox enter the grove, tail up like a flag, carrying its prize.
The crows close behind still screaming their share. I know the cat
is lost as my barefeet will not follow. I cross the street to the tree and
find a collar with a small bell. A bell to alert birds that there is danger.
Save for the crows.

First Visit to the VA

Yesterday I left the house at 7:30 and got to the Martinez Blood Draw Clinic at 7:45, not bad. I pulled a ticket, #5 and sat down. The room was already full of old guys. I was thinking they must come down here and hang out because it's a social kind of thing. The window opens at 8am and the number 95 is displayed. OK, I got here 15 minutes before they opened and I'm 10th in line. I was hoping for better! At about 8:10 the first number gets called, "NUMMER NINY FI !" I'm guessing Filipino? #95 jumps up like he's won at BINGO and rushes the window. There is a big sign at the window that says "Have Your VA Card Ready." The sign is so big you can't see the receptionist. As the guy runs up to the window you see a little hand appear above the sign, it looks like a little claw, perfectly shaped to accept his card. He places the card in the claw and awaits his instructions in perfectly unrecognizable Filipino.

I'm bored, I left my phone at home and my iPod can't find a single Wi-Fi signal. I pop in my ear buds and spin some Afro-Cuban music. I look around the room and decide the best way to handle the situation is to make believe I'm not in America. The tunes decide for me so I make believe I'm at a clinic in Cuba. And the funny thing is, it feels right. Yea, I'm on vacation in Cuba and I will temper my expectations accordingly.

"NUMMER NINY SX!," everyone in the room glances at the number sign. It still displays 95, after about a minute you can feel a bit of apprehension around the room. The number sign still displays 95. It's as though there has been some cosmic misunderstanding. Synchronicity has been lost. After two minutes people are making eye contact around the room. There is a simian quality to this communication. Like a monkey that can no longer reach its banana. I'm unfazed because I'm in Cuba. "NUMMER NINY SEBN!" All eyes turn to the display and 96 appears and a moment later, 97. Order has been restored.

I watch the various people that walk by. Many say Hello and are very friendly. A guy with a dirty bag tries to hand me a newspaper and I immediately think it's a homeless guy trying to get a donation for some sorry street rag. But as he turns away I see he's handing out free copies of the San Francisco Chronicle and I kick myself for being so defensive. Numbers get called and people move around the room. People stand and people sit. Others walk by and I watch the room change like a living mosaic. An old guy walks out of the Blood Draw room full of noisy indignation. "I told them what my blood type was, but they don't listen!" Most people turn away but I don't have a paper to read so I watch the show. "I'm suppose to let them operate on me and they don't even know my fuckin blood type!" He shambles across the room looking left and right and makes eye contact with me. Like a magnet he latches on to my interest and stumbles up to my chair. "I showed them my fuckin dog tags and it says right on them my fuckin blood type but do they believe my fuckin dog tags? Fuck no! Am I suppose to let these fuckers cut me open when they don't know my fuckin blood type!"

I should be intimidated but I'm sure the Cuban Military will show up at any moment.

NUMMER FI! I stand up and jokingly whisper to Mr. Blood Type, "My Turn." I give him my best shrug like we share an understanding that I will be the next to share in the institutional abuse. I walk to the window and see the claw. I lean over the sign and smile. "I'm sorry, I don't have my card yet." The claw says, "Lass Nam?" "Pugh,"I say. "Lass Fo?" "3713", I say. Claw explains to me that she does not have an order from my Doctor to draw blood. She attempts to call the Doctor and there is no answer. She makes a few more calls and tells me they are in a meeting. She also calls more numbers and I get the sinking feeling that I'm going to be here all morning. She tells me to sit down and she will call me up as soon as she contacts my Doctor. I sit down and remember the admonition I received when I got my appointment time with this Doctor. "Don't Be Late" I was told over and over again. This Doctor is very strict about you being late. I'm thinking I'm also very strict about having to wait because his office didn't order any tests. Strike One on this Doctor.

I can't see the receptionist behind the sign but I can see the phone mounted on the wall next to her. 10 minutes goes by and she makes no more calls about my tests. More numbers get called and we are up to 15. I was tenth in line when I arrived and now 10 more patients have been seen while I wait on the Doctors office. Claw reaches for the phone and makes a call. I hear my name called and am told that the tests are being ordered and I will be called up in about 5 minutes. 15 minutes goes by and Claw calls me over. She tells me she got the order and I will be moved to the front of the line. 2 minutes later she walks out of the office on break and when the next patient is called it's not me. 2 more patients get called and I've lost hope that she has informed anyone about me. I hate Cuba, I vow to never return. I make believe I'm in Somalia with ebola. I'm going to die because there are no beds left.

Claw comes back a few minutes later with a big cup of coffee. She looks right at me but does not make the connection that I was never called. A few minutes later I hear her call Pugh!. "Where were you?" she asks. Where was I? Then I get it. A good offense is better that a weak defense. She's been at this a long time. When in doubt, blame the patient. I apologize and tell her I've been stuck in Somalia.

Surfing the Nut House

It was my sisters idea to drive to the nut house. She said I would like it. It would remind me of my childhood. I had recently suffered an emotional trauma and ran from any potential conflict. I steadied myself and agreed to go. We got in my sisters comfortable car and drove West. The Earth turns toward us and I make believe that the car is stationary and the Earth is rushing under our wheels. I rest my head against the passenger window and again mentally run through my failures. I did, I didn't, I couldn't. They did, they didn't, they wouldn't. I watched the fence posts rush past me at a regular interval. I poured the bitterness out of my head and concentrated on my breathing. My heartbeat slowed to the rhythm of the passing fence posts. They looked like the blips on an EKG.


The car slowed to a stop at an intersection. Beside us was a roadside memorial decorated with flowers and crosses. A little boy in a baseball uniform turned to me as the car was pulling away. He raised a popsicle in the air and with a grin stuck out his popsicle red tongue. I closed my eyes. I could taste that sweet red juice as it ran down my chin. I remembered how Mom use to make those for us. I wondered why the little boy was at the memorial. Why did it seem important. I make believe I can feel the Earth flying through space. It's the feeling of reaching the highest point on a playground swing and just as you start falling backward you are weightless. I feel it in my stomach and down my spine. I hold, I hold it as long as I can.


I hear the crunch of gravel as we pull into the nut house. The lot is full with many visitors. I exit the car slowly and appraise the building. It's old and rough cut, barn red and ramshackle. The handpainted sign over the entrance says Somis Nut House. There is something about it that makes me smile. There is a warm energy that surrounds this space. We walk inside and it's quiet like a church. There are roughcut beams overhead and bolted together racks filled with nuts and candies, many that I remember from childhood. Abba-Zaba's and Bazooka Bubble Gum, Chick O Sticks! I drift through the racks and my childhood memories, one overlapping the other. I remember the little girl I liked in school and my friends at the public pool. I remember my dog as I see a curved red tail wagging behind a counter. I feel small hands hugging my leg, gentle as a ghost but it's only my imaginings. My sister calls me over to show me a found treasure, something we both laugh about. A little girl walks past with her face tilted to mine. She is maybe 5 and has the most astonished reaction when I say Hello. She squeals with delight and clasps her hands to her face, then runs between the racks. I turn to my sister to see her reaction but her view was elsewhere. She asks if I like this place but I know she is really asking if I feel its calm and its warmth. I nod yes. I add this feeling to that of the swing. The warmth and the letting go. I empty myself of lifes constricting vibrations and hold the feeling. I wrap my arms around it and press it to my chest and feel it enter me and fill me. I'm warm and falling into calm.


I open my eyes and see the little girl. She holds a soft glow. A dog trots up to her and and sits to her left always keeping his eyes on mine. His eyes hold a question and a reward for its answer. The little girl lifts his floppy ear and whispers, "Yes, he can see us." I immediately know this dog, he was my dog and until this moment I didn't know how much I'd missed him. Tears spring from my eyes as I bend to pet him. The little girl puts her hand on my arm for comfort and says, "Only joy." At her touch I know she is my Grandmother, my loving Grandmother as I have never know her. She says, "Look, we are here." I see all those I had lost, all as children, laughing and teasing. The earth tilts under my feet and I feel a rushing in my head. She points to a mirror and I see myself as a little boy in a baseball uniform, the same little boy I saw from the car. But I'm still alive I think, and the little girl says, "Yes, you are alive, we are all alive in the All." I see a little boy and girl and know them to be my parents. They stand apart until the little girl approaches the boy. She punches him in shoulder and all their divisions evaporate with giggles. They hold each others hands and run off laughing. The little girl that is my Grandmother reaches out and gently holds my face.


We fly out into space and I see the all of the Milky Way. It's gigantic arms slowly spin as it travels through space. I feel my arms open wide. We feel the orbit of our Earth and feel its rotation. She shows me the little boy that I was in my baseball uniform spinning in the outfield with no worry for the ball. I was, and am, and will be that boy, I promise.



June 17th 2014

I wrote a song.

Got my haircut yesterday. Oye!

Looks like a porcupine.

Stock market is killing me. Oye!

Feels like a porcupine.

Life is a banquet, Oye!

Tastes like a porcupine.

A little story.

a man with one short leg walks in circles,

he can crawl in a straight line,

so he crawls to a new place to circle.

It’s good to have choices. 

Record Store of Memories

Drove down to the new Rasputin Record Store across the street

from Sun Valley Mall. I haven’t been in a record store for a decade.

It was strange and wonderful and I probably won’t do it again. I had

a list of used CD’s I wanted to find.  Red Hot Chili Peppers and Daniel

Lanois, The Boss and Led Zeppelin. I flipped through the racks and adjusted

my stance to let other shufflers pass. The artwork on the sticky CD cases

triggered dusty memories. Dark smoke filled rooms with only the light

from the faceplate of a cheap stereo for illumination. I remembered the

cute ugly pimple faces of childhood friends. I was lost in trauma and wonder

and loss and love. The screaming from the stores sound system pulled

me back into the moment. Hateful painful lyrics, why? Perhaps it’s a lifeline

to pull the shufflers out of their fog of memory.  The one CD I found was

used and not cheap. I placed it back in the rack and opted to buy it in its

pristine digital form from iTunes.